I became pregnant immediately, and my daughter, Anna, turned out to be the focus in my life. I had finally someone who I can really love, and motherhood gave me back more hopes in life.
What about life with Mark? Well our relationship kept going over the friendship path as had started years earlier. I was a dutiful wife, I can say that I felt those moments to be an obligation to Mark. In all the years together, I never enjoyed any physical pleasure in our lovemaking. On his side Mark, didn’t comment, or asked, or tried to be innovative in any way.
I read in magazines that are existing different positions to make love, and fulfill enjoyment. As a woman, I never took the initiative, or ask Mark different ways to enjoy ourselves. But then what for? Certainly, he didn’t seem interested in funding new ways to please us.
Lately Mark had lost interest in me. I came to the conclusion that Anne was the only link holding us together. In the last few months we received many phone calls, but when I answered, the phone was hung up immediately on the other end.
My conversation with Mark had been reduced to short telegraphic messages at breakfast time. It sounded like,
“I will not be home till late, I’m meeting George. I have some important business to discuss.”
Or “I have a convention in Melbourne, I will be back on Monday.”
Or again “Something unexpected has popped up, I have urgent work to finish. I’m not sure what time I will be home.”
Where those only excuses from Mark? Was a new lover in his life? Has he found that sharing life with me was boring?
All these questions made me doubt about Mark’s sincerity. I came to the conclusion Mark was like all the others. He had used me all the time we have been together. Now he was ready to reject me and throw me away in the way you do with a broken doll. I came to hate him, more and more, from the core of my heart.
He wasn’t any better than any other man, he was a liar He didn’t respect me, as his wife and I doubted his love to his own daughter. It was clear to me he was planning to move away at a convenient time.
Then it came the night when I caught him in Anne room. Unnoticed I came from behind him with my closed fists and I punched him with fury…Did he tell me the truth on that night? Was he really comforting our daughter out of a nightmare?
Today I doubt that also. Did the same insane passions as my father had nestled in him? Did my unexpected return home that night, save the innocence of our daughter?
I was fuming for all these reasons. I realized I had to settle the matter and I waited for Mark return to discuss the problem. He came home late, as he used to do on those days and I was waiting for him sitting in the dark. He entered tiptoeing, showing in this way all his guilt. I lit the desk lamp, and asked him,
“Why are you pretending with me Mark? Why don’t you tell me the true? It would be more honest.”
“I’m not guilty of anything, Manuelle. It’s late I know. I have so much extra work these days and I’m compelled to work late.”
“Why did you enter like a burglar?”
“Simply because I didn’t want to disturb you or Anne, I know your days are pretty heavy.”
“Mark, I know you lying to me. You are no longer the man I married.”
“Tell me, why should I be? But then… You have also changed.”
“I’m sure you have a lover, Mark, is she beautiful?”
“I have some friends.”
“So, it’s true, isn’t it Mark? You are not denying it, are you?”
“I’m only trying to find myself, I don’t really know the real person in me anymore. Is that a sin?”
“Yes, it is. Are you forgetting I’m your wife? And have you forgotten Anne’s life and future? Have you ever thought of her? Do you know she loves you?”
“No, I haven’t forgotten. But honestly, it’s you Manuelle, it’s you, throwing the guilt on me. I know what’s going through your mind. I know you believe I’m like your father. No Manuelle, nothing had happened. I’m aware of my actions, I always have been. It’s you Manuelle. You can’t see the real you. It’s better that you go back to see Dr. Donalson and ask the doctor to help you.”
“I hate you Mark. You aren’t any better than any other man. I pity myself. I’m sorry I married you.”
“Do you really mean what you are saying Manuelle?”
“Yes Mark. You are right. This is the end for us. Let us separate, at least for a while.”
“Is it your final decision? You want me to go?”
“O.K. then I’ll make a phone call first. I’ll be out of your life by the morning.”
That how it ended with Mark, and I don’t really regret it. Most likely it had been written on the book of destiny, and we cannot change it. Beside I’m not alone, and I don’t need men to survive. They always caused nothing but hassle for me.
My daughter is my life now. I’ll devote to her all my love. Also, I have Lucy. She is still my best friend. I met her yesterday. Recently she had separated from her husband and she was distressed. We talked about having a future together supporting each other. She asked me for that, and eagerly I have accepted her idea. We are looking for a new flat where the three of us will live as a family, in love and harmony.